A deafening silence fills my heart. A year ago tonight, (actually around 1 am tomorrow) my Dad stepped from this earth into eternity. As this day crept closer and closer, my heart was filled with so many mixed emotions; everything from thankfulness, to sadness, to elation, to depression, to love, to emptiness. My mind kept replaying the tumultuous memories of hospital visits, various tests and procedures, radiation and rehab. It replayed the sweet memories of precious time together, talking, planning, learning Sudoku, watching the Pacers, reading and getting advice from the man I trusted most in this life. It replayed the stressful memories of flying and driving back and forth from Florida to Indy, hoping to make it in time, regretting when I left too soon. My mind replayed the phone call from my cousin telling me she held his hand when the doctor told my Dad he had cancer, and the consultation with my other cousin, who told me medically speaking it didn’t look very hopeful. It replayed all four of my kids taking off work and school, traveling 13 hours through the night up to see their Gramps, and my friends stepping up to help me in so many different ways. It replayed prayers, lots and lots of prayers. It replayed the heart-wrenching decisions; hopeful plans for a new treatment, devasting news that my Dad wasn’t a candidate, and where do we go from here discussions. My mind replayed a fighter. Someone who said if there is a possibility of recovery let’s go for it, no matter how difficult. Someone who went to therapy everyday and did whatever he was asked. It replayed the conversations of take care of your mom, cheer her up, make sure she is okay. My mind replayed sad things I didn’t want to put on paper, intimate things that were too personal to record, and beautiful things which will be etched in my memory forever.
Overall, I’m so thankful for the memories. The old Garth Brooks song is buzzing through my head tonight, I could have missed the pain, but I would have had to miss the dance. No way! When all is said and done, I’m left with faith, hope and love and the greatest of these is love. My faith sustains me. The Lord carries me through this mental battle and through all struggles, just as he carried my Dad home to Heaven. My hope reminds me that this life is not all. That I will see my Dad again, and we’ll laugh and cry and he’ll burn rolls. (maybe not the rolls part but who knows) And the love… well the love is everything. My heart bursts with the love I feel for this man who has always been there for me. This man whose absence has left a void in so many hearts. My heart breaks tonight because it has experienced great love, and I wouldn’t exchange that for anything in this world. So, in the words of my Dad, again I’m not going to say goodbye, I’m just saying so long for now…
Taking Back Happy 